I’m Zed Kowalski, founder and CEO of your one-stop shop for everything you need to weather the coming zombocalypse. That's right, folks, the shambling hordes are a-comin', and let me tell you, the government ain't gonna do diddly squat about it. They're too busy arguing about which bathroom stall Bigfoot uses.

Now, I ain't sayin' I got all the answers. Heck, most days I can barely remember where I parked the apocalypse-mobile (it's a sweet ride, flamethrowers and all). But what I do know is this: when the lights go out and the moanin' starts, you're gonna wish you had more than a dusty fire extinguisher and a subscription to Yoga Journal.

That's where we comes in, baby! We got all the essentials to turn your suburban split-level into a fortress fit for a king.

First up, we got our patented "Escape From Karen" tunnelling kits. These babies let you dig yourself a sweet escape route right under your rose bushes. Because let's be honest, during the apocalypse, your biggest threats might not have rotting flesh – they might just have a Karens haircut and a serious case of coupon rage.

Next, we got our "Slightly-Radioactive Luminol Spray". Sure, it might glow in the dark a little more than you bargained for, but hey, at least you'll be able to spot those shamblers a mile away (and maybe even impress your date with your newfound "superpowers"). Just avoid licking it, okay? Trust me.

Look, I ain't sayin' my products are gonna win any scientific awards. Heck, most of them come with a disclaimer longer than the Declaration of Independence. But hey, in the apocalypse, you gotta work with what you got. Besides, when those fancy-schmancy government scientists are all busy being zombie chow, you'll be the one laughing (or maybe glowing) all the way to the bank...or whatever replaces banks after the whole world goes kablooey.

So don't delay, folks! We accept cash, credit cards, and slightly-used sporting goods (you know, for when diplomacy fails). Just remember we ain't promising miracles, just a fighting chance. Now get out there and prep like your life depends on it – because it probably does!